Hi, I’m Ollie. I play in Mean Caesar, Myelin and Great Cynics and I run Till The Wheels. Colin and Emma asked me to contribute a Top Ten for their website. I have friend called Chunky (Crystal Piss drummer) who has done at least ten punk things. So here’s my “Top Ten Punkest Things My Friend Chunky Has Done”…
1) Pissed On Me
The first time I met Chunky was at my 23rd birthday alldayer at the King Edward VII in Norwich. It was a cool line up; The Mingers, Vanilla Pod, The Frontline. Chunky came down with The Frontline from Lincoln and our mutual friend Jonesy introduced us. Chunky instantly said “I’m going to do something to annoy you” which made me a little concerned for the chap’s self-esteem. As we continued talking he began pissing against a lamp post and pissed all over my leg and shoes. Later he knocked over all my CDs in my room. A decade on we’re still friends and we still trash eachother's shit.
2) Chased Naked Through Peterborough
This one is a tough remember. My buddy James Hull from Apologies, I Have None reminded me of it in the pub the other day. There used to be an annual punk fest in Peterborough called No Fest run by Jordi from Evil Macaroni / Sammi’s Fatal Mistake / A Great Notion. It was a total sesh and everyone was staying at Jordi’s. I’m not sure who said what to Jordi’s house mate, but it was Chunky that ended up getting chased naked around the cul de sac with a cricket back. Maybe others who were there could shed some light in the comments?
3) Andy P.
When he was at Uni in Sheffield he made everyone call him Andy P. and he’d drink litres of cider and try and start fights with people before telling them he’d never been in a fight before. He did that to me; I wasn’t very well but it was very funny and very punk.
4) Crying to Sam Russo
When me and Chunky lived in a punk house in Peckham called Astbury Castle, at least 3 times a week we’d drink Cockspur Rum at the kitchen table until the sun came up arguing about which Leatherface album to listen to interspersed with Chunky singing and crying to Sam Russo’s album, Storm. If you think I need to justify this as being “punk” you didn’t go to Astbury Castle and you’ve never stayed up for the sun rise drinking rum with Chunky listening to Sam Russo. It’ll be the equivalent of Don Letts or John Robb being interviewed on Channel 4 in decades to come.
5) The Kitchen Table.
Years after we’d all moved out of Astbury Castle there were some new people living there that we kind of knew. We all ended up there really pissed. Chunky was always known for manning the kitchen table and on our old kitchen table we all had our names carved in it. Chunky carved his name in massive letters on their new kitchen table. He apologised for it and gave them money for a new table after there was some brutal fall out and threats of violence, but we all regret that he apologised and wish that we had a street war over the table – especially me because that would’ve been great for this countdown of Chunky’s Top Ten Punkest Things He’s Done.
6) “I Want You Around (Chunky)”
Great Cynics did a brilliant song about Chunky and his table on their 3rd album “I Feel Weird”. The music video they put out with Giles skateboarding isn’t the video that was supposed to have been made. The original video was meant to be following Chunky around London or something. The shoot started at something like 7 am but, with Chunky being as punk as he is, he preferred to stay in bed smoking rollies and have pizza for breakfast. Fuck ’em.
Chunky will tattoo you with whatever’s round the house. Here’s a picture of him tattooing me. I’m passed out.
8) The Bouncing Souls Tour
In 2017 Great Cynics did 5 dates in the UK with The Bouncing Souls. It coincided with Chunky’s birthday and both me and Giles have always talked about taking Chunky on tour in all our respective bands, so he came along to do merch etc. On the first night he punked out, got drunk AF, made The Bouncing Souls merch guy do our merch and flicked their tour manager in the head. Made things pretty awkward but by fuck was it punk.
On the third day of the tour Giles, Bob and our friend Rachael went to pick up the car from The Brudenell. Me and Chunky were still just waking up because we were being mega dickheads in a squat in Leeds the night before. As they were coming back to the squat some loony smashed the front off of Bob’s partner’s car. It was a very scary situation. Our friend Rachael looked after us and got us to the next show. After that day, Chunky became punk in the helpful kind of way and turned into super TM. A punk for all seasons. Would tour with again.
9) Long hair don’t care
Chunky had his hair real long for a real long time. He’d tell people they should get it “long and strong” and make Biblical references to Sampson and Delilah, shit like that. After a few years I fancied it and grew my hair out. As soon as I did he cut his hair and said long hair was stupid and unprofessional. Giles did the same actually. I think it was a real long game punk joke. Quite sophisticated for a practical joke. Now we all have short hair.
10) Bill and Ted’s Benefit
Chunky had two terrapins; Bill and Ted. He rescued them from some ass hat. He threw a benefit show to get them a bigger tank. My old band, It’s Not OK!, played along with Pacer and some other cool bands. It was at The Miller in London Bridge. He made some money for the tank, but he just gave it to the bands and hooked Bill and Ted up out of his own pocket. So, he threw a dope party AND paid for the tank himself. Punk move.
Bonus material: Big Boy Wee. Chunky always does a big boy wee like in them Blink 182 videos.
You can catch Chunky doing big boy wees at any Crystal Piss shows or at the big Weatherspoons in Forest Hill.
All my love.